My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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