i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
