Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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