around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
