A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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