It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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