my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
