dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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