I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
