2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
