I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
