you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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