I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
