Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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