I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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