Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
