When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
