I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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