I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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