Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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