Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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