This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize