His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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