No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
