I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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