I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
