The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Watching her eat just hurts me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
