I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you remember whose house we're in?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
