this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
