Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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