Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
