just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
