im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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