They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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