Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
