look no pants
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
