fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
