47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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