Define "chronic" masturbator.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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