That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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