Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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