I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
