someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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