You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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