He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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