why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
is that a dick in a sweater?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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