she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
