i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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