If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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