South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
