Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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