Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
