my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
