I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
