yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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