She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
