I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
